Cinderella With A Stoma - Dating Tips

Rachael

Dating can sometimes be a bit like the £3 meal deal: you choose the drink, you’ve got the crisps, but when you come to choose the sandwich there is nothing left on the shelf that looks good, but you know you have to choose something or you’ll lose the deal, right? 

Since ditching Uncle Fester (also known as the ex) I have kissed a lot of frogs, and from this experience I have accumulated a wealth of knowledge in the subject of ‘what not to do’ in the initial stages of the dating game.

When it comes to a potential Prince Charming, we often find ourselves behaving somewhat out of character, but fear not as this blog has some top tips of how to trap a fly in the web as an ostomate! 

Tip 1: Beware the keyboard warrior 

Remember that anything you say to a potential date online should be something you could easily say or do to them in person! For example, imagine you’re meeting a guy for a date and he actually looks like his profile picture… you are out having lunch, and you can begin by choosing a topic you are comfortable discussing. For me, this would be a detailed description of a proctectomy. It does fascinate me how so many people are comfortable doing things online that they would NEVER do in public. E.g. if you are going to steal a picture of a well-endowed phallus and send it to me before I even know your name or while I’m having dinner with my mum, you better make sure you whip that thing out before we have ordered a starter on our first date. For the record, if you ever date me I will probably do this with my stoma pouch!

Tip 2: To relate or not to relate

We all love a situation we can relate to, especially when it comes to relating to the person you want to potentially date! The key is to empathise with what your date is saying first. Here are some examples from my experience of what not to say:

Date: I have been a police officer for seven years now.

Cinderella: I have never dated a police officer, but I’ve been arrested for assaulting one.

Date: I better not order a coffee, or I may have to visit the loo.

Cinderella: Well at least I don’t have to worry about that, I can sh*t myself anywhere. This was before I told him about my bag…

So, remember unless it sounds easy to relate to in your head first, don’t say it out loud!  

Tip 3: Boundaries

I’m somewhat boundary challenged myself, and I know it’s hard when you are in the honeymoon phase not to want to climb the highest mountain and shout their name like a yodel singer, but it is crucial to know when to ‘rein it in’. Calling them when you are intoxicated and asking them if they want to know what foods make different colour poop is a perfect example of where the line is. 

Remember you must reserve a level of mystery to your demeanour, and I’m not talking about clocking eye contact while eating a banana or pulling out a scented ostomy spray from your purse and giving a wink before disappearing to the loo. 

If you are lucky enough to engage with a potential Mr or Mrs Right, take note of the above, and remember that if dating fails and you find yourself alone after all, there is still a part of the internet where foot pics sell. 

You should never be ashamed to tell someone you are an ostomate, it will become fairly obvious sooner or later.

I (Cinderella With No Filter) tell all on the first date, that way if he decides he isn’t comfortable, I’ve only wasted a few hours. Just be sure he foots the bill or you would have really pulled the short straw! If you are a little shy at first, perhaps think of a few questions you can ask (that really you don’t give a monkeys about) that will lead to a topic where discussing your stoma may not be such a surprise. 

If you are fairly confident with your little bag buddy (like me) you can always flop it out before you speak or just come out with the fact you’re pooping into a bag right now (that’s a stoma bag not a supermarket one). 

I have found that most dates are comfortable and genuinely interested in discussing the topic, however, remember that line I mentioned earlier? It’s still there! So don’t ruin things in the heat of the moment like I have done before.

Your date doesn’t need to know that Sheila (the stoma) sometimes goes off like a bomb in the middle of the night, leave that for another time.

by Rachael Kin

Rachael Kin

About the author

My name is Rachael, I'm an ostomate, mumma and wine taster (I think just the first two count?) I have an ileostomy stoma called Sheila and we are inseparable, literally. This is our journey... I am a novice blogger but an expert in origami, so if my humour fails me, I can always make you a hat? Follow me on Instagram!

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